Wrong
by britchick
Summary: 10 years later, Ephram and Madison meet again for the first time since Madison left Everwood.
1. First Look for the Second Time

A/N: You know it's not mine. I wish it was, but that doesn't change anything.

Chapter One

Going to the Grammys wasn't exactly a new thing for me. My band and I had been four out of the last five years. This year was the first time I'd been that I wasn't nominated for anything though. I was just presenting an award.

I got out of my seat in the fourth commercial break. I was instantly replaced by some out of work actress employed to keep the audience looking even. I always though that being a seat filler would be kind of a cool job. You get to go to all the awards and hang out with the stars. Of course, now I kind of get counted as a star, I can see that most of them are egotistical morons, but hey...

Backstage was a flurry of activity. I checked the green room schedule, and saw that there was a performance, two awards, another commercial break and then me. For some reason I was down to present the Best Jazz Album award. I had no idea why, but honestly, I didn't mind. All it meant to me was that I got a fat goodie bag full of $10 000 of free stuff that only nominees and presenters got. My bandmates would have to be content with the regular goodie bags, worth only $2 000. I sometimes wonder when my worldview got so utterly warped.

"Maddie!" I heard a voice call from behind me. There was Lynda, one of the few people in the business that I actually liked. She'd been our tour manager on our first tour, but now she was an assistant producer for this. She and I still kept in touch though, and met up as often as we could.

"Lyn! Hey! How's it going?"

"Terrible! This is my worst nightmare. One of my presenters is passed out drunk in the bathroom, two of the Rock Album nominees have disappeared off together somewhere, and that award's coming up in 10 minutes... Do I need to go on?"

"Pretty usual then."

"Yeah. Actually, it's better than last year. Not so many darn video feels for nominees who can't get their butts back to the US for one night."

I laughed. The previous year, my band and I were on tour in New Zealand and couldn't get back for the awards. To make it more difficult, we were nominated for 3 Grammys and they had to set up a live video link so we could accept an award if we won it. It was a total nightmare and it ended up not working at all for most of the ceremony. It did, however, work well enough for us to add 2 more statues to my trophy cabinet.

"True." I paused. "So Lyn, know who I'm up with? I've been trying to find out for two weeks, but no one in your office seemed to know..."

"Uhh, I guess it's last year's winner. I'm not sure who that is offhand, but I can find out for you if you want." Lynda started to look through the mountain of paper on her clipboard.

"Oh, don't worry about it. I guess I'll find out when he gets here." I could see all that paper going everywhere and Lyn stroking out. Not a good thing.

Moments after that, I was attacked by a horde of assistants. They fixed my hair, my makeup. They re-arranged my dress. I never get used to that kind of thing, but once in a while it's kind of fun.

"Madison?" a voice came behind me. I knew that voice. It was way too familiar, but it was impossible. Why would he be at the Grammys? I turned around.

"Ephram?" There he was. My ex-boyfriend. Not just an ex-boyfriend, but 'the' ex-boyfriend. The one I compared all the others to, the one I'd never really let myself get over. And he was standing right in front of me. I think my face must have been frozen in a mix between shock and horror.

"Hey!" He sounded pleased to see me. "I was hoping I'd get to see you."

"Ephram?" I repeated, kind of dazed. "Hi. What are you doing here?" I wasn't trying to be rude or anything. It was just shock.

Thankfully he just smiled. "Presenting an award actually. Best Jazz Album."

"We're presenting together?" I sounded incredulous. "Wait, that means... You're last year's winner. You won a Grammy?"

"No need to sound surprised! I know it's nothing compared to your 6, but still!"

"No, that's not what I meant. It's just... I didn't know."

"Huh? I know you weren't here last year, but I thought they had you guys on a video feed?"

"The darn thing broke down like five times. We missed most of the ceremony. And they don't repeat the entire ceremony in New Zealand, just the highlights, which..."

"Yeah, I know. Jazz Album isn't one of them, right?"

"Hey, you said it, not me."

"Man... It is good to see you Madison. It's been, what? 10 years."

"I guess." I didn't have to. It had been 9 years and 9 months since we'd broken up, almost to the day.

"Ok, you guys. You have 2 minutes." Lynda interrupted our reunion.

I pulled myself together, and tried my hardest to act like a professional. Of course, as jobs go, it's not that hard. Ephram took my arm and lead me to the stage door. Then we just had to get down the steps and to the podium without falling over, or doing anything dumb.

"Innovation is the lifeblood of music. Without it, we as an industry stand still, rather than boldly moving forward." I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes at the cheesy intro I was forced to read. They needed a better writer. "Jazz is a style of music that constantly pushes for innovation. It moves music to new places and the rest of the industry follows."

"The nominees for Best Jazz Album are..." Ephram had the easy part. He just had to stop and let the VT take over. Not that I don't like the VT. It stops people like me from looking like total morons when they mispronounce a name.

"And the winner is..." I opened the envelope and handed it to Ephram to read out.

"Charlotte Parker for Misconceptions."

A pretty black haired woman got out of her seat, hugged everyone within reach and headed towards the stage. By woman, I meant girl of course. She couldn't have been older than 20, and for that I kind of hated her. It wasn't a conscious thing, but I'd started disliking younger people when I'd turned 30. I had a horrible feeling I was just turning into my mother, and that was not a good thing.

We left Charlotte on stage, accepting her award, but not before she'd grabbed Ephram and pulled him into a hug. Back in the green room I raised an eyebrow at Ephram.

"You know her then?" I sounded jealous, which I had no right to. I hadn't seen him in 10 years.

"Huh? Oh, Charlotte? Yeah. I played on a couple of tracks on her album. She's dating a friend of mine."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. Not competition then.

"Are you going to the after party?" I didn't want to say goodbye quite yet. He'd been out of my life for far too long.

"Yeah, I'll be there. It's a free bar." Ephram paused. "Delia's going to be so psyched to see you."

"Delia? Delia's here?"

"Yeah," Ephram smiled. "She's my date tonight. It was great actually, she agreed to come right at the last minute when my wife couldn't make it."

And there it was, the word I really didn't want to hear. Wife.


	2. The Truth I can't Tell You

A/N: I don't own it, I know that except when I stop taking my meds. I'm sorry for not updating in such a long time (2 whole weeks). Life is kind of crazy at the moment, but I'll try and write and update as much as possible. Read and review or I'll cry.

Chapter Two

I sat through the rest of the awards in kind of a daze. I was so glad that I wasn't sitting in a prominent seat and likely to get my face all over the television, because I'm sure I was pouting. It wasn't fair at all. It wasn't supposed to happen like this.

I'd imagined my first meeting with Ephram after so long so many times, and it never went like this. It should have been so perfect. We were both grown ups now and both successful musicians. He wasn't supposed to be married.

I pulled myself together as much as I possibly could and sat through the rest of the stuff. I even managed to smile and cheer when my friend Rachel won Best Country Album. It was kind of a case of getting myself to the afterparty and getting through that so that I could forget that I'd almost made a fool of myself by coming on to my now married ex-boyfriend. But after a while I realized something. Even though getting back with Ephram, a stupid dream I'd held for far too long was now impossible, I didn't want to loose him again. I realized that I'd rather have him as a friend than never see him again.

I actually felt like an adult when I realized that, rather than the spoiled childish rock star I like to imagine I am.

I managed to walk into the after party at the same time as the teenage flavor of the moment. That worked out for me in two ways actually. First it meant that I could walk in without having to stop and smile at the cameras for 15 minutes, and second it made me feel good about my talent. I'm no Mozart, but I was way better than her.

As soon as I got in the door a 21-year-old missile launched herself at me.

"Madison!"

I opened my arms and drew Delia into a hug. "Hey sweetie!"

It was so weird to see her again after all this time. I still remembered her as an elementary school student. Now she was an adult. The same age as I was when I last saw her. The same age as I'd been when I'd...

I shook it off.

"It's so good to see you! I can't believe it."

Delia smiled back at me. "I knew you'd be here. This is just so cool." She was still the same as I remembered her in so many ways. "Nobody at school believed I knew you. I had to show them like, 30 pictures of us before they realized I was telling the truth."

I laughed. "I'll mention you in the notes on my next CD, so they'll have to believe you."

Delia smiled, then just kind of stopped. "This is just so darn weird. I haven't seen you in 10 years. I mean I've seen you, in People magazine and on ET. But I haven seen you, and I'm kind of talking in circles here so I'm going to shut up now."

"You're right. It is kind of weird." I didn't have any clue what I was supposed to say to that.

"So where are you at school?" I decided to skip asking her about the stupidly large number of years I'd been missing from her life.

"NYU."

"Wow!" I was impressed.

"Well. I kind of decided I was going to go there when Mary-Kate and Ashley went there." She blushed a little.

I couldn't help the real, honest laugh that exploded from me when I said that. I guess I was kind of loud, because a few people around me turned to look at me.

I calmed myself down. "So that's how come you could be an emergency date." She looked at me quizzically. "Ephram told me he called you in at the last minute when his wife couldn't make it."

Her expression turned dark for a moment. She looked around for a moment and seemed to focus on her brother, who was currently standing in line at the bar.

"Well, if by couldn't make it you mean 'didn't want to' then I guess so. She decided to work late. On the night when her husband gets to present a Grammy!"

I could feel the anger running off her in waves.

"What's she like?" I wanted to know, but I kind of really didn't. Please don't be that Abbott girl, I silently prayed.

"Katie?" Not Amy Abbott then. "I guess she's ok. She's just kind of... I don't know...not really there I guess.

"She finished law school last summer and she seems to spend 18 hours a day at the darn firm she joined. They haven't even been married a year! And she couldn't make herself leave the office for one evening so she could support Ephram.

"It just makes me mad." She didn't really look so much mad, as upset.

I would have asked her more, but Ephram chose that moment to reappear with three glasses of champagne. I eagerly accepted the one he offered me.

We chatted about nothing for a little while, but I knew it was getting late. I checked the watch I'd placed in my bag. It was 11:10.

"I think I'm gonna go." In rock star terms it was really early, but I didn't want to still be there at midnight.

"Already?" Ephram looked surprised.

"Yeah, I'm kind of tired. I'm about to fall asleep on my feet." It was a lie. I knew I wouldn't sleep that night.

"Well, ok, but let me get your number or something. I'm serious Madison. I don't want to loose touch with you again."

Why was he being so nice to me?

"Ok." I grabbed a pen from my purse and scribbled my number on his hand.

"Maybe we could grab lunch tomorrow or something?"

"No." I didn't even have to think about it. My plans for the next day were fixed.

His face fell. I realized how that must have sounded. "Later in the week or something. I have plans all day tomorrow." I tried to smile at him, but found I couldn't.

I hugged Delia and left. I grabbed a cab back to my apartment, and had to hold myself together all the way home.

The clock struck 12 as I headed into my building. I didn't turn into a pumpkin, but I could feel every grain of happiness left me. It was February 21st.

I collapsed onto the couch in my lounge, looked at the photos on my coffee table and burst into tears. It should have been my son's 9th birthday, but instead he hadn't even lived to see 9 months. Sobs wracked through me uncontrollably. It was like this every year, but this time it was so much worse.

I'd spent the evening with Ephram and Delia and I had totally forgotten about everything until I had checked the time. I had been with my son's father and I had forgotten. I felt like everything was crashing in on me.

My phone beeped as it received a message.

"Madison, It was so good to see you again. Now you have my number feel free to call me whenever. We have a lot to catch up on."

I just sobbed harder.


	3. Forever Loved

Chapter Three

February 21st was never the worst date in my calendar. It was always pretty bad, but it wasn't the worst. That belongs to August 3rd. February 21st reminds me of everything my son could have been, of everything he'd never do. From walking and talking, to going to school, to having a life. But August 3rd reminds me of his death. Of going to his crib at eight in the morning, wondering why he'd let me sleep so late and not woken me up for his feed like usual.

I didn't want to think about it. I never do. I want to pretend it never happened, that Jacob Peter Brown never existed. Most of the time I succeed, but twice a year I just let it all out.

I sat on my couch all night. I didn't listen to music, or watch TV. I just sat and let myself remember. I guess I must have fallen asleep at some point, because I woke up still curled up on the couch, but with sun streaming through the windows. It was a regular Manhattan day for February, cold as anything and gray skies. It kind of helped me though, like Mother Nature was grieving just like me. And yes, I'm fully aware just how self centered that makes me sound.

My apartment was on the third floor of a huge old brownstone building on the Upper West side. It was small compared to the house I'd grown up in, but compared to the others in the area it was a good size. I'd always lived alone anyway, and I didn't rent it either. It was all mine and I loved it.

I walked from the living room into the kitchen. I mechanically put on the kettle and decided to drink some tea for once. I'd gotten a taste for real English tea when the band and I had spent 4 months in London recording our second album. The producers had all drunk it, and people had just kept bringing us cups of the stuff. In the end we were all addicts. It became a comfort for me, and that morning I needed that.

I carried my drink back to the living room and sat down on the couch again. I let myself sink into the pillows and finally reveled in the memories, happy and painful.

I had been having contractions for eight hours before my waters broke. The clinic I'd been getting my checkups from had told me that I didn't need to come to the hospital until the contractions were less that six minutes apart. I'd been timing them obsessively, and they were stuck at six minutes and eight seconds. Then my waters broke all over the kitchen floor in the apartment that Mindy and I were renting. That seemed to speed things up so Mindy drove me to the hospital.

She'd come to the Lamaze classes with me, and had agreed to be there for me. I couldn't have asked for a better friend through everything, but I really just wanted Ephram there. I didn't need him as a boyfriend, and I definitely wasn't still in love with him, but he was the father and he was supposed to be there! He was supposed to let me yell at him and I was supposed to almost break his fingers while I held his hand through a contraction.

_Once we got to the hospital, things just seemed to move at a kind of natural pace. I didn't do the whole screaming in agony thing, and cursing the world, because I was smart enough to take all the drugs I could get. The epidural was incredible. It meant that while labor was exhausting and seemed to take forever, it wasn't as painful as I'd imagined. _

_It was so worth it when it was over though. I had a perfect little boy with 10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect toes. I know all parents say this but Jacob really was such a beautiful little guy. His blue eyes shone and his little tufts of hair were brown like his daddy's. I held him and I finally knew what it meant to really love someone. I lied when I talked to Dr Brown that one time. I'd never had a first love. Not really. I had one now._

It was painful at first reliving those memories. It was necessary though. I I refused to think about him the Jacob would really be gone. I never want that to happen ever.

I let my memory drift again to the worst day of my life.

I woke up slowly. That never usually happened. I was either pulled out of sleep by my crying son or... Well, actually always by my crying son. A lot of parents are convinced that their child is so good. That they sleep so easily. I was convinced Jacob would never sleep through the night.

_I looked over at my clock. It was 8 am. That was definitely a miracle. I hadn't been able to sleep that late for months. Even in my last couple of months of pregnancy I hadn't slept that late. I pulled myself out of bed and padded across the room to where Jacob's crib was. I would have loved for him to have a nursery, but Mindy and I were still sharing this two-bedroom apartment and there was just no room for it. I was saving money though, and soon I'd be able to have a place on my own with my baby boy and then he'd have a nursery. I already knew exactly how I wanted to decorate it and everything. _

_I knew there was something the matter even before I got to the crib. It just felt all wrong. But when I looked at him, I saw something no parent should ever have to see. Jacob wasn't moving. He wasn't breathing. He was an unearthly gray color that I can't even begin to describe. I just stopped. I don't remember how long I stood there unable to take things in. It could have been minutes, it could have been seconds. All I knew was that my baby was gone and all that was left was an empty shell. _

_The next thing I remember was a scream. At the time I don't think I even realized that it was coming from my mouth. Mindy came running and saw what was going on. I think she must have called an ambulance or something, but to be honest, I don't remember anything that well after that point. It's so strange how some things are sharp in your memory and some such a blur, even though there are only minutes separating the events. _

_I reached out to touch him, but I pulled my hand away. He was cold, and his skin didn't feel like skin. It was more like rubber. It wasn't my son. It wasn't Jacob. _

I remembered everything with horror. I felt everything all over again. All the pain and the tears washed through me again. But it was good, it was cathartic. I needed it. I needed to remember it. To remember him.

They told me it was SIDS. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. In other words "Shit Happens." They told me there was nothing I could have done, but they don't have to deal with the guilt and the nightmares.

Jacob Peter Brown. My baby. Forever loved. Forever missed.


	4. Moving On

Chapter Four

After I was done crying that day, I just sat around, kind of introspective. I needed to take a day once in a while to get my head clear. I felt like the world was moving a million miles an hour and this was my day to get off and let the world pass me by.

I spent a long time thinking about Ephram. In a perfect world he would have been right there next to me, but 10 years had gone by and to drag him into my life would just be cruel. He was married and he was happy. I couldn't ruin that for him. I should just go back to pretending he never existed. But I didn't want to loose him again. He meant something to me. He knew me when I was a real person, and there were too few of those friends left in my life. It wasn't really a choice in the end; he was going to be a part of my life. I'd just have to work extra-hard at keeping him at a distance from some things.

I called him the next day and we met for lunch. It was totally awkward at first, we hadn't seen each other in such a long time, and we'd both changed more than we realized. In fact, it was being with him and remembering the kind of person I'd been when I last saw him that made me see how far I'd come. I tried to explain it to him.

"I'm just, I don't know, stronger I guess. I just keep remembering that...kid that I used to be. I was such a pushover." I stopped. It was strange. I didn't feel any different, but I knew I was.

"You were never a kid." Ephram laughed.

"Seriously I was. You have no idea. I was like one of those three year olds that think that if they do whatever they're told then everything will be ok. I was totally spineless. I was just desperate to keep anything bad from happening."

"What happened?"

"I grew up, I guess. I reaslized that there's no way you can stop the bad things happening. And when they do you survive and things get better."

We dropped the subject and moved on to safer subjects. Mutual friends, the New York music scene, family, life the universe and everything. It was amazing just how easily I found I could talk to him. I think maybe it was because he'd known me when I was still an innocent small town girl and he's been the worldly city guy. Our ages had been reversed, but in every way that had counted he'd been more experienced. I'd realized that after Jacob died. Ephram had already known what it was like to loose someone irreplaceable. I just didn't see how much that changed him, because I never knew him before, when he really was a kid.

We met up a couple of times a week after that. We started to build a real solid friendship, which was strange because even though we'd dated, we'd never been friends before. Before I'd never opened up to him, because I'd thought he'd never really understand. Now I told him almost everything. I censored myself sometimes, and sometimes remained vague, but we were closer than we'd ever been. I even got over being attracted to him. He was married after all. And as much as Delia didn't like Katie, she seemed nice enough.

I only met her a couple of times. Delia had been telling the truth, she was a workaholic, but I had no reason to dislike her. She was totally in love with Ephram, and he adored her. I could see it when they looked at each other while they thought nobody was looking. She was great to me too. Most women would throw a fit if their husband suddenly became best friends with their ex, who happened to be a rock star. Not Katie. She just laughed and asked me to autograph the National Enquirer article that had the photos of Ephram and me having lunch.

It was 2 months later that Ephram didn't turn up for one of the lunches we were supposed to have. He'd never even been late to one before, but this time he didn't turn up at all. I was left sitting in the restaurant like an idiot for a whole 2 hours, all alone, before I finally gave up and went home. I'd never been so mad in my entire life. Honestly, I wanted to kill the guy, because I'd been so embarrassed. I was convinced that one of the tabloids would have photos of me sitting there waiting and the whole country would get to hear about me being stood up.

I let myself into my apartment and threw myself down onto the couch. I turned on the TV with the remote and flicked through the channels for a while. I switched to CBS eventually, because it was almost time for the local news. I watched the end of some quiz show and then the headlines came up. I liked to know what was going on in the city. It mad me feel connected.

"Terror in a law firm, coming right up." The teased hooked me and I sat through the commercials to hear what had happened.

Some wacko had burst into a law firm downtown with a couple of guns and had taken a group of people hostage. They'd been trapped for a couple of hours and it had all ended up with a shootout with the police. The wacko was dead and a couple of people were in hospital, with one of the hostages listed in critical condition.

It all seemed like kind of an interesting if slightly scary irrelevance until they said the name of the law firm: Gray Forman Starkey. That was Katie's law firm. Then it was even scarier, but kind of cool. I'd have to remember to ask Katie the details about what happened. It would make a kickass story to tell the guys in the band. They'd think it was great.

I sat and watched the rest of the news, not taking much interest in anything but the showbiz gossip. Just because I knew most of the people involved now didn't make it any less fun. Except when I was the target, in which case it was hilarious.

At the end of the news they went back to their top story.

"With more details on the shooting at the downtown offices of Gray Forman Starkey we're handing back to Kelly Price, who'd on the scene. What can you tell us Kelly?"

"Well, Mike. I'm here at the offices where the terrifying hostage situation took place. We've just spoken to the police chief, who's confirmed that police marksmen killed the attacker. However our sources tell us that several of the hostages were shot by the attacker and have been taken to Civic General Hospital. Two patients are described at in a critical condition. They are Kevin Brockhurst, a paralegal, and Katherine Brown, an associate lawyer and the wife of Grammy winning pianist Ephram Brown..."

I didn't hear the rest of the report. I don't remember leaving the house, or hailing a cab, or getting to the hospital. It was automatic. Ephram needed me and I was going to be there. I got to the waiting room of the ER and there was Ephram, sitting, pale as a ghost but with a faint tinge of gray/green to his face. He smiled at me in a kind of automatic greeting that had nothing to do with happiness, and I sat next to him, holding his hand and waiting.


	5. One Moment More

A/N: So here it is. I don't own it, any of it. The song at the end is One Moment More by Mindy Smith. Check out her album, it rocks. Read and reviw, please, I'll beg if you want me to.

Chapter Five

They told us they were fixing some minor internal bleeding. They gave us hope that everything would be ok, but when the doctor finally came out to talk to us, I knew the news wasn't good. I've watched enough ER reruns to know what the look on his face meant.

"Mr. Brown?" The doctor pulled the gloves and gown off as he walked over to us. They were covered in blood, Katie's blood.

Ephram stood up.

"Would you mind coming through with me to the relative's room? It's right down the hall. We need to talk. I'm afraid the news isn't good."

Ephram was still hanging on to my hand. As the doctor spoke, his grip tightened, until my fingers were numb. I didn't say anything though. My friend needed me.

"No, it's ok. You can say whatever here... I mean..." He sat back down next to me heavily, almost with a thud.

"Ok. Mr. Brown, there really is no easy way to say this..."

"She's dead." A statement. Ephram let his head hang forward against his chest, totally defeated.

"Not yet, but there really is no hope." The doctor paused. "I'm afraid your wife was shot in the head. The bullet didn't kill her right away, but from the tests we've been able to run, we've found out that you're wife has bled out at her brainstem."

"Shot in the head?" That was a surprise to both of us. Nobody told us that.

"The only thing keeping her alive at the moment are the life support machines."

"But she's not dead. She could get better."

"Mr. Brown, there's no chance of recovery from this type of injury. Essentially all that's left is a shell. Your wife is gone."

"Katie," Ephram mumbled.

"I'm sorry sir?" The doctor turned to Ephram.

""I said her name's Katie."

"I'm sorry about this sir. This is never easy for anyone. The best thing for Mrs.... for Katie is to let her go."

"Can I have some time to think about it?"

"Of course Mr. Brown. I'm just going to head up to the ICU. You'll be able to go up there in about an hour."

The doctor left us in the waiting room. Ephram just sat there, his chin resting on his chest, looking at the floor. I've never seen anyone look so blank in my life. Like all the life had been drained from him. He wasn't crying, or angry or anything. There was just this total lack of emotion that I couldn't cope with.

"Ephram? I'm going to go get some coffee? Do you want anything?"

There was no answer. I got up and left the room. I felt horrible for just abandoning him, but I really couldn't deal. I wondered around the hospital for a while, until I found the cafeteria. The coffee was horrible, but I was hot, and caffiene filled, which was the important part.

I got recognized by a couple of nurses and ended up signing a couple of autographs. It was a welcome invasion of real life into this waking nightmare. They asked me why I was there and I just said I was visiting a friend. I couldn't deal with, much less verbalize the horror.

I headed back an hour later and Ephram had made his decision. Katie was gone and all we had to do was say goodbye and make it official.

The doctor came back and took us up to ICU. I wasn't allowed to go in because I wasn't family. But from where I was standing outside, I could see Katie, hooked up to a million different machines. It didn't even look like a real person. The only way I knew who it was was Ephram sitting next to her.

He took her hand and began to say goodbye. I looked away. It wasn't my business to watch something this private. A few minutes later, he walked out of the ICU. I looked back and the curtain had been pulled back around the bed where Katie had been. It was all over. Ephram was a widower at 26.

Now he cried. It was like something broke inside him. That was something I recognized. I'd been broken for a long time. So much death.

Hold me

Even though I know you're leaving

And show me

All the reasons you would stay

It's just enough to feel your breath on mine

To warm my soul and ease my mind

You've got to hold me and show me now

Give me

Just one part of you to cling to

And keep me

Everywhere you are

It's just enough to steal my heart and run

And fade out with the falling sun

Oh, please don't go

Let me have you just one moment more

Oh, all I need

All I want is just one moment more

You've got to hold me and keep me now

Tell me how someday you'll be returning

And maybe

Maybe I'll believe

It's just enough to see a shooting star

To know you're never really far

It's just enough to see a shooting star

To know you're never really gone

Oh, please don't go

Let me have you just one moment more

Oh, all I need

All I want is just one moment more

Oh, please don't go

Let me have you just one moment more

Oh, all I need

All I want is just one moment more

You've got to hold me and maybe I'll believe

So hold me

Even though I know you're leaving


	6. No Sorrys

A/N: not mine.

Thanks to those people who always review. I really appreciate it. Sorry if I didn't make this clear, but the song at the end of chapter 5 was One Moment More by Mindy Smith. I just though it fit with the mood of the chapter. She's a great singer and if you get the chance to listen to her album then make the effort.

**Chapter Six**

The funeral was awful. I don't want to go through all the details, but it was really like any other funeral. There was crying and a closed casket and photos of the deceased and flowers. But then it was different, because it was someone I knew, someone full of life. Someone who wasn't supposed to be gone yet.

Ephram was devastated as I guess you could imagine. His dad and his step-mom, Nina, flew in from Colorado to help him. Delia moved out of the dorm and into his apartment so he wouldn't be alone. I stayed away from them. As much as I wanted to be, I wasn't part of his family. And I had no wish to see Andy Brown. I don't think I'll even totally get over my bitterness towards him.

I managed to stay away until the day after the funeral. Ephram called me and demanded that I come and join them all for lunch. I didn't want to go, but how do you say no to your friend when he's just lost his wife?

It was never going to go well, and my nervousness made me a half-hour early. I was buzzed up to the apartment by Delia who greeted me at the door and pulled me into a hug.

"Thanks for sticking by Ephram. At the hospital I mean. I wanted to be there, but I was stuck on Long Island at my friend's wedding. He called me and I tried to get back, but the traffic was awful. By the time I got back to the city she was already…." Delia's eyes filled with tears. She wiped them away with the palm of her hand. "He told me that you sat with him, and got him coffee, so thanks."

"It's ok sweetie. I guess once you've lost someone yourself, you know what to do."

Delia nodded. "I guess." A pause. "It's so weird. It's so much like when Mom died, but then it's so not. Ephram's a wreck and I'm doing the best I can, but I know that Ephram knows I wasn't Katie's biggest fan. I just feel like everything I say is so hollow."

"Everything anyone says to Ephram right now is going to sound hollow to him. You love him and you're trying and that's all that counts."

Delia half-smiled but her eyes filled with tears again. "You always were good with advice."

"I was good with pretending, I still am."

"Who did you loose?" Delia suddenly asked. "You said you understand if you've lost someone yourself, so who did you loose?

I thought for a moment. I didn't want to lie, but I couldn't say too much. "The love of my life," I answered finally.

I headed into the kitchen to avoid more questions, and there he was. I hadn't seen Andy Brown for 10 years, but somehow in that time my mind had turned him into some kind of devil. His interference in my life had cost my son a chance to meet his father. It had cost Ephram the knowledge that he had a son and it had driven me from the town I had always called home. But somehow now that I saw him he wasn't so scary any more.

He looked almost exactly like I remembered him. His hair was grayer, and he was dressed in a suit rather than the jeans I remembered him wearing, but he was still the same Dr Brown.

"Madison." I guess Ephram had told him I was coming, because he didn't look surprised to see me.

"Dr Brown." I was determined to be polite even though I wanted to yell at the guy.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine. Obviously I'm sad about Katie but…"

"And your family?" As if I couldn't tell what he was asking. I'd never told him Jacob died. In fact I'd never told him Jacob was born.

"My father's god-knows-where, I don't talk to my mother and other than that I have no family." That seemed to satisfy the asshole.

I stalked out of the kitchen and found Ephram. We sat on his bed and talked about nothing for a while. He told me he was trying to spend as much time as possible in his bedroom, because he was trying to feel comfortable in there again. He'd been sleeping on the couch because he couldn't get into bed without Katie.

We stayed in there for a while, sitting on the bed, and watching a DVD he'd put on to pass the time. Delia joined us after about a half hour and we settled down, barely talking until Nina came in to tell us lunch was ready.

The meal was horribly uncomfortable. I couldn't even look at Dr Brown, Ephram didn't eat, he just pushed his food around his plate, and Dr Brown looked incredibly uncomfortable. I made my excuses and left as soon as lunch was done.

Nina hugged me goodbye and thanked me for being a friend to Ephram. I'd forgotten how much I'd liked her. Delia promised to meet me for lunch sometime in the next week. Ephram pulled me aside.

"Come out with me tonight?"

"Huh?" I wasn't sure what he meant.

"My father is driving me crazy, and I can't sit around here any more. Come out with me and we'll get shitfaced and forget everything that's happened."

I could have told him that drinking wouldn't help, I'd tried it a time or two. But I agreed and we met up later that night at an upscale bar near my apartment.

We didn't get that drunk in the end. He drank scotch and I drank wine. Not enough to loose control, but enough to loosen tongues. He told me how much he hated having his father there. That Dr Brown kept trying to persuade Ephram to go back to Everwood for a while. He told me how he couldn't breathe in his apartment because it was all Katie, that he barely slept.

I told him about how bored I was. That I was supposed to be working on stuff for a new album, but I couldn't make myself do anything. That I felt like another pointless party girl, but without the parties. His stuff made mind seem so unimportant, but I was just drunk enough not to care.

When I was about 2 am we finally decided it was late enough to go. I'd agreed to let him sleep in my spare bedroom for the night. We got into my apartment and I went into the kitchen to make some coffee while he headed into the lounge. When I joined him he was looking at pictures lining one of the bookshelves.

"Is that Mindy?"

"Yeah." I smiled and looked over his shoulder. "That was last summer at a concert. She lives in Austin now so I gave her backstage tickets to our concert there."

"Who's that with her?"

I looked at the photo closely. "Oh, that's her husband Mike."

He moved on to the other photos, asking me questions about some, just looking at others.

"Who's baby is that?" he asked, looking at a picture of me holding Jacob.

I was just drunk enough not to censer myself.

"Mine."

"Huh?" He just looked at me.

"My son."

"You have a son?"

"Had. He died."

"Man, Madison. I'm so sorry. I…"

I cut him off. "No sorrys. We've both lost people. Shit happens, right. Other people can give me sympathy, but not you. Ok?"

Ephram nodded, still looking at the picture. "Cute kid. You look happy."

"It was a long time ago."


	7. New Outlooks

It took be about a four hour panicked phone call to Mindy before I realized that I hadn't completely blown it. I wanted so much to tell Ephram that this was his son, that he'd had a son. I couldn't though. His heart was already broken and I couldn't make things worse.

Months went by. Ephram went into grief counseling a couple of times a week, and tried to put his life back together. Delia graduated from NYU and I was there to cheer her on. I ended up giving about 75 autographs, but it was worth it to see her. I don't think Dr Brown was too happy to see me, but that was tough. If my presence pissed him off that was an unexpected bonus. I decided that I needed to get off my ass and do some work, so I went back into the studio. The boys weren't quite ready so I decided to make a solo album. It was something I'd thought about for a while and my manager, and the rest of the band were happy with the idea so I ran with it.

It took me a lot longer than I expected to write the songs. I finally had the chance to play about with the musical style. It's funny when you've been playing one type of music for 10 years and you suddenly realize that you don't even like it any more. Maybe that's some kind of metaphor for life. You just exist for years at a time, drifting by just putting one foot in front of the other, but never really thinking about what you're doing. Then you stop and realize that you're not living and you're not exactly sure how you got where you were. You have all these routines that used to mean something and now they're essentially meaningless.

It was September before the album was almost finished. I was actually quite proud of it. It didn't sound much like the stuff I played with the band, so maybe it was a leap of faith. It was just stuff that I liked and that I hoped other people would like.

It was all my own stuff except one; a song that Mindy Smith had sung called One Moment More. I couldn't figure out where I first heard it, but then I remembered that Delia had played it in those horrible first days after Katie died. It said a lot about death, and saying goodbye. At first I though I was singing it as some kind of tribute to Katie, and that would have been ok. I was still planning on a dedication in the album notes for her. But it was all wrong when I thought about it. The song talked about loosing someone you love and I barely knew Katie.

It took me a lot of time before it dawned on me what I was thinking when I sang that song. I was thinking about the past. I was trying to hang on to the past for just one more moment and it was keeping me from moving on. I should have realized that a long time ago. It was like another one of those routines that I had. I reacted in the same way to things rather than dealing with them. I was trying to maintain the same relationship with Ephram long after I should have accepted that we were two different people than we were 10 years ago. And I was trying to protect myself from Ephram getting mad and rejecting me rather than telling him the truth and seeing where the chips fell. I can be incredibly slow at times.

The album was released in October and did quite well. I think maybe some of the band's fans didn't like it that much, but tough, I recorded it for myself not them. Ephram and I stayed friends, surprisingly. We met up a couple of times a week, and every so often I'd see a story in some magazine that insinuated we were dating. I made my manager send a letter to every one, reminding them that Ephram and I had known each other for years and that he'd lost lost his wife.

The holidays were hard, but Delia, Ephram and I spent them together and coped by drinking a lot. Neither of them really wanted to go back to Everwood. I didn't blame them. That town is like hell in the mountains.

Before I knew it, it was Grammy time again. I was nominated for One Moment More. I'd released it as a single and it had done great. That was pretty cool. It was strange how much the Grammy's were a big deal to me again this year. Maybe it was because I was there on my own this time, or maybe because I was making a conscious effort to enjoy life rather than just existing.

I didn't win anything, but it was cool just to be nominated. I'd invited Delia and Ephram as my guests and we hit the after show parties together. I found us a table at the back of the current party and together we started looking through the goodie bag I'd received. There was a whole host of cool stuff, but in there were airline tickets to anywhere in the continental US. Two airline tickets.

"Ephram, are you doing anything this week?"

"Huh?"

"Are you busy this week? I'm gonna use this ticket to go to Denver. It would have been my son's 10th birthday this week and I think I'm gonna go see him."

Delia didn't seem shocked at the news that I had a dead son. I guess Ephram must have told her at some point.

"Are you sure? I mean, won't I just be in the way?"

"I think I'd like the company. Besides, I think maybe we need to talk about some stuff."

Maybe it would be wrong to tell him, but I had to make a choice sometime. I think the way I had been living my life was more wrong though. I guess that if you hang on to the past you can't move forward and until you make a clean, honest break, whatever you do will seem wrong.


End file.
